So I haven't posted on the blog in a really long time. Which in a way I sort of feel guilty about. So I am sorry, and now I am going to change that!
First by explaining some reasons as to why I haven't been a dedicated blogger! The first main reason was that school took a lot of my time and whenever I had time I didn't really feel like writing or editing pictures ha, so yeah, I'm lazy. The second reason was because right after Thanksgiving I found out that I was pregnant. Which if any of you reading this have ever been pregnant then you understand exactly why I have been a slacker. For those of you who haven't ever experienced this then the only way I can explain it is that you are tired all the time, you eat a lot, at least until you start to feel the nausea, and your body is just plain weird, in some ways abducted by your new growing fetus.
So thats why I haven't been a good blogger. However today I want to talk about something that has recently happened in mine and Dane's life together.
On Friday I had my first appointment with my midwife, and was supposed to be able to get an ultrasound that would show the babies little heartbeat. I was way nervous, mainly just because I haven't ever had a Dr.'s appointment that seemed to be so intrusive. Looking back now I wish I would have let those feelings go because the Dr was awesome and surprisingly I didn't feel awkward at all.
Unfortunately the ultrasound did not show what Dane and I had been expecting, the fetus was too small and the Dr. couldn't find a heartbeat. At first I didn't really understand what this meant, okay so I wasn't as far a long as I thought? But then the Dr. explained that the fetus looked to be only about five weeks developed. But I didn't understand, I had been having symptoms of pregnancy for over 10! How could this be and what did it mean?
The Dr explained that most likely we were experiencing what is known as a failed pregnancy or miscarriage. Whoa, did not think that the outcome of this Dr's appointment would be this.
The information was a shock and to be honest I just wanted to get out of that place so that I didn't start crying there and I could digest what I had been told. I felt sorrow for the baby that I never got to meet, the fetus that never developed. I also felt silly for already have bought baby stuff, what about the baby onesie, or the journal I had started to the baby? I felt like I should have waited to make all these changes in our life.
But really I know that that is not true. I may have felt sad, depressed, loss and fear but to be honest the one thing I felt the most was the love that my Heavenly Father had for me. The feelings of sadness soon were gone and were replaced with a deep sense of gratitude to my Father in Heaven who loved me and who was with me. I can't explain all the feelings and strength that I have been receiving over the last couple of days, and because of the sacredness of this experience I will only testify of what I know to be true.
I know that my Savior and my Heavenly Father have been with me through this experience. I have felt their presence and love for me. And I cannot and will not, deny that they are real. They recognize my faithfulness and my love for them and in return have blessed me in more ways than I will ever be able to comprehend. My relationship with them is real and ever so special to me and to my divine potential. I believe that no matter what happens in life they will always be there to protect me, love me and strengthen me. At times of struggle or pain the Holy Ghost will remind me that this trial is "only for a time." How powerful those four words can be, to remind, and help each of us see the eternal perspective. I know that someday Dane and I will be able to have a child and that whenever the Lord decides to bless us with one of His choice spirits, that we will accept that duty and thank Him with all our might, mind and strength. I bear my testimony of these things in name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I am grateful that I have been able to share my experience and testimony with anyone who has read this.
Love,
Jacie
